Its show time!

This semester I have been working on my BFA senior solo exhibition. It's been a roller coaster of ups and downs. First I had to get permission to photograph the ROTC cadets for my project. Then they all decide to wimp out on me at the last second. I pulled it together though and shot some amazing portraits. 

Artist statement:  Our bodies produce tears to lubricate our eyes, to protect them from foreign substances, and to alleviate emotional stress. Sometimes tears are happy, while other times they are painful or sad. Crying is viewed by today’s society, generally, as feminine in nature. Men are supposed to be strong in contrast to this so called weak, vulnerability that women can so freely express. This philosophy heavily influenced the creation of “The Production of Tears”. This series explores the act of men crying from boyhood to adulthood. The photos capture the vulnerability that comes with crying and evoke a strong viewer response. Does seeing a man cry make them look weak or strong? 

Time sure flies. I started my undergraduate degree 5 years ago and it's coming to an end next Saturday. I'll be graduating with my BFA in Photography. So much blood, sweat and tears have been shed and I can't believe it's coming to a close. It's frightening and exciting all at the same time. I'll be attending Maryland Institute College of Art in the fall to attain my MFA. Exciting things are in my future!

A proud moment

When I found out I was accepted into Millersville University's Art program, I wasn't sure I was going to attend; I had my heart set on another school. MU offered a weekend where the prospective new freshmen had the chance to tour and hear faculty give presentations about their classes. Boring science speech after boring math speech, FINALLY an art professor stepped up to the podium and I was hooked. Professor Ben Cunningham and his class in Public Art was the reason I chose Millersville University for my undergraduate degree. As my luck would have it they had not offered it in the five years I attended MU and I NEEDED this class. So I talked to the chair of the department and Ben and filled out paper work for an indpendent study. We were uncertain at first if it would be approved but a couple weeks before classes started I found out that it was a go.

In his "class" I had the chance to really take on my own subject matter, medium, and message in a public domain. I chose to take on my generation's casualty with sex and HIV. I did a lot of research on the disease, the medicine, and the statistics. So many people my age think that, because HIV and AIDS rates are decreasing, that it's nearly impossible to contract HIV. Wrong. Sure the rates for newly infected persons with HIV are decreasing as a whole, but in fact, the CDC reports, they are increasing in people 15-24 years of age.

I designed several different pieces trying to come up with the best means to catch college students' attention. I settled on simple, clean postcards. Postcards are a metaphor for the communicable aspect of the disease. Each person who touches these postcards are in effect touching each individual that touched it previously; just like sex partners are essentially having sex with all of the former partners of their current bedfellow.

Front view: "You've just been infected."

The back features stats and a facebook link

One thing I wanted to achieve was a way of tracking just how many of my postcards reached my target audience. After some debate I decided to self address (blurred for privacy) and pre-stamp 100 postcards. Another problem I faced was how to distribute the postcards anonymously. You can't tell if an individual (or yourself) has HIV just by looking, so I wanted to play on that. After bouncing ideas around, long after the class ended, we came up with the school newspaper. I contacted the editor and he agreed to personally stuff my postcards into 100 issues of the paper.

The first returned postcard

I received my first, of hopefully many, returned postcards today. It was a very proud, exciting, and thrilling moment for me. My project was a success. Even if this is the only postcard that makes it's way back to me, I have reached at least one person. Maybe that one person will think deeper and choose to practice safe sex, if they aren't already, in the future.

Chugging along.

Since the cadets flaked out on me, I've been shooting pretty much any male that will let me torture them with menthol. First, I reshot someone who first participated in this series this past fall. Then I shot a guy with really amazing dreads but I'm just realizing I used a different directional light, which means I'll either have to incorporate it into some others or reshoot him. I was playing with these first two photos, trying to decide between color and black and white. I still haven't come to a decision on which I like better.

Next I started shooting a few guys and asking them questions on video. I'm not 100% on how I'll incorporate the video/audio into my project but I'm rather excited about how things are turning out. I asked them how society dictates how men should show emotion, how they feel men should be able to show emotion, and finally, afterwards how the experience made them feel. I'm getting some really interesting responses and I'm falling in love with this project again.

Since I haven't come to a conclusion about color I haven't played too much with the most current portraits. I really love how they turned out. I'm going to be shooting a few more guys in the next few days and I can't wait to bring it all together.

Catharsis

Something that I love doing on my downtime, just to relax and get caught up in the tediousness is making these really graphic digital "paintings". I first started experimenting with it last year. I took a reference picture, traced over the main lines and then layer by tedious layer I added the color and shading.

A scene from a computer art project.

I loved the way that it turned out for a computer art project so I moved on to portraits. There's something really cathartic about building up the layers and challenging myself with the many differences in facial features and in the case below, tattoos.

Band: Motionless in White

I just recently went on a trip to Florida, it was relaxing and nice to recharge. While there my friend and I went to a Renaissance Festival. Below is an in progress shot of one of these "paintings".

There's still so much that I have to do on this picture but I really love the energy. I can't wait to post the final product.

I'm interested in how digital media is becoming more common in the art world. Photography and computer art as fields have changed so quickly in such little time, while other mediums have been the same since nearly conception. I like pushing the capabilities and ideas of both photography and computer art. I embrace their nature but want to push my viewer to see them as equals with the likes of painters.

Frustration!

My excitement about being able to photograph the cadets has been replaced with frustration and a lot of disappointment. I forgot to get their contact information so I had the Major let them know that I can actually do my project. Well, that was a bit over a week ago and not a single cadet has contacted me. I just need to keep telling myself that I really do love working with people and keep working on my back up plan.

A common thread?

As I was putting my portfolio together for graduate school applications I realized a couple things. First, I'm a terrible self critic. I kept saying, "Amber, what the hell were you thinking when you shot this?", "What is this garbage?", and "Ok, this one isn't SO bad." But once I got over the rhetoric the devil on my shoulder was spouting, I finally saw the common thread that weaves through all my work: Vulnerability. Be it my self portraits in a previous post, the crying portraits or even the portraits I took in my friends' bedrooms, they all seem so vulnerable and almost mentally broken.

Spencer Spring 2011

Stephanie Spring 2011

Samantha Spring 2011

Our bedrooms are such private areas. They offer us solace for anything that really brings us down. One can shut the door and effectively shut out the real world. It's a place where we can just let pretenses down. I decided to shoot my friends in their bedrooms. I was shocked at how vulnerable they all came across in the photos. I kept looking through them and noticed that each person is holding something in front of them; almost as if to protect themselves from my lens. Some held objects like teddybears and pillows, while others positioned their legs in front of their body.

The frame behind each person has that picture superimposed into it. It symbolizes the on going personal struggle that each of us goes through. A true self in a sense, an emotion that we keep to ourselves.

Ryan Spring 2011

Amy Spring 2011

Katelyn Spring 2011

I used a mix of color and black and white because logistically some looked better one way or the other. Some criticism I've received was to use a wider range of ages but for me I feel like as college students, so much is changing so quickly. As a college student myself, it's a scary time. You're unsure of yourself and the world around you. Maybe it's because I can't relate to someone who is older than me, though I think this would be interesting with young children. Maybe I'll pursue that idea soon.

Let the games begin!

I got the most exciting email this morning. I get to make the cadets cry! Let the games begins! Expect photos in the very near future!

Still waiting.

Time for some fun! I've been working on a lot of self portraits for two years now. It's convenient and I can always rely on myself. Last year I worked on a couple different series, this blog will be focusing on one of them. The following series focused on how the media controls how we see ourselves. I did four mini series within the larger whole.

Here I focused on a tape measure and how the pressures of being thin strangle some people.

Here I focus on the idea of plastic surgery, how media makes us all strive for "perfection".

Here I focused on a product that is supposed to bring out our beauty, instead of relying on natural beauty.

Here I focused on how no one is happy with what they are born with. We are always hiding behind something fake, in this case a blonde nylon wig.

It was really uncomfortable at first to put myself in such a vulnerable position. I've always had body image issues. I always felt like I wasn't pretty enough, thin enough, I thought I wasn't ideal. So I said, "Screw your comfort, just do it" and I'm glad I did. I was able to confront everything that had ever made me feel unworthy and tell it where exactly I thought it should go. Through this project I learned that I shouldn't care about what the media says, only I matter. It was a real growing experience.

A few other things need to be addressed during this post. First I got my first acceptance and rejection letters to graduate school, only hours apart. My professor says that in our field rejection is normal, that it doesn't mean anything about you as an artist. Thank goodness I spoke with her before applying because I was strangely ok with being rejected. I didn't want to have to deal with the lake effect snow anyway, Buffalo! However, I was super excited when I got the acceptance email from a school in, drum roll please, Ireland. So, while I'm still waiting for three schools to get back to me, I know I'm going to grad school. It's a huge relief.

Now for a quick update on my cadet crying series. I called the Major just to see if he had actually forwarded my proposal to the Public Affairs Office. He has and in the next day or so will be calling to check on it's progress. Here's hoping, (Crosses every body part possible).

Red tape, so much red tape!

Building off my last post, I wanted to push the aspect of men crying. I asked myself who I would be most uncomfortable to see cry. My Dad. See, now, most daughters would say that I suppose but let me tell you a little something about my dad. He's a tough guy, made a career out of being in the Army, and was deployed to Kuwait when I four or five years old. Never once did he complain or show any sense of vulnerability. This is a guy that uses duct tape to close a cut on his hand and tells you to "walk it off". Now, don't get me wrong, he's a huge teddy bear and totally wrapped around my little finger as my mother would say. Having experienced my dad's "If you put that thing in my face one more time..." speech on more than one occasion, I knew he wouldn't be willing to actually model for me. So, what's the next best thing? The ROTC cadets at school!

Easier said than done. It took me two weeks to even get a hold of the Major at the school, then another week to actually meet him. He was super cooperative and really seemed to enjoy where my project was going. He introduced me to his Military Science class and let me tell the cadets about my project. When I told them I wanted to take pictures of them crying, one guy started laughing and another guy's mouth dropped to the floor. They were patient though, heard me out, and even asked questions. Surprisingly the ones that reacted the strongest were the ones willing to model.

Here's where the dreaded red tape comes in to play. I have to get my project approved by their Public Affairs Office (PAO). I wrote up a nice little statement telling them how, why, who. The Major said it could take weeks before they get back to us. Weeks. Weeks, that I don't have. So in the mean time I want to continue taking photos of regular men crying and to pair them with women screaming, or looking generally badass. I'm hoping that the PAO approves of my project and that I can begin photographing the cadets. Another waiting game.

A bit back logged

I feel a tad back logged with the blog, so I'll start where I left off. After I started this blog, and a discussion with a professor or two, I decided to apply for graduate school. I sent out five applications and recently had an interview with one. It was a frightening process. I kept asking myself "Is this ok?", "Does this make sense?", "Is my essay good enough?". I felt so under prepared for everything but I seemed to get everything in on time. Now it's just a waiting game.

Since last fall I've been working on a series of photographs. I wanted to deal with discomfort on many levels. First I wanted the viewer to be uncomfortable. Next I wanted my model to be uncomfortable. Finally, and rather surprisingly, I, myself was uncomfortable. I took portraits of fellow classmates crying. Yes, crying.

Now, a magician is never supposed to reveal his secrets. Good thing I'm not a magician, loose lips sink ships and all that. I used menthol, rubbed under the eyes, to induce tears. The effects were interesting to watch. My models got bright red, their eyes became bloodshot, and their noses became stuffy or started to run; all the classic symptoms of crying. Another curious effect was, each model said it felt as though they had just actually cried, emotionally. Some said they felt the release that sometimes follows a good cry, while others said they felt physically and mentally drained. Having also participated, I'd have to agree.

It was hard seeing my friends that I knew as generally happy people, crying. Though the most uncomfortable aspect was that it was hardest watching the males cry. This got me thinking about how our society views men as the strong, dominate forces, while women are the weak, vulnerable ones. I want to continue playing off these gender rolls, by switching what our society deems as the acceptable traits.